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Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 7:53 am
by In_the_dark
=)) =))

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 9:26 am
by smerral
=)) =))

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 10:06 am
by Repairman
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 10:08 am
by Repairman
The two housewives were drinking coffee together. "On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responded, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and my pussy, then gives me a long screwing. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!" "I'm going to!" Louise replied.

The next day the housewives met and Louise remarked, "You were right about your husband's remedy, it did take the pain away, but he was surprised you suggested it."

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 10:09 am
by In_the_dark
furthermore...do you know how to catch a polar bear?


cut a hole in the ice, and place a dreid pea at 4 inch intervals arounds the edge, then hide close by

when the bear comes out for a pea, kick him in icehole

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 10:12 am
by Repairman
Three plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Britain. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You fellows are amateurs. Several years ago a liberal politician out horse riding rode head-on into a truck travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a big cheesy grin. Now he's Deputy Prime Minister!"

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After that couple found that 42millon quid vase in the attic I went and had a look in mine, well imagine my surprise when I found a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius.

Trouble is Stradivarius couldn't paint and Rembrandt was crap at making violins.

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Husband watching TV... Fat wife says "I just fell down the stairs, didn't you hear me?"
Husband says "sorry luv, I thought it was the start of Eastenders.

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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.

"What the feck are you doing Mick?" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

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That's all folks. ;)

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 7:58 pm
by Dion
A mild looking fellow appeared before St Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked."Well on a trip to North Wales i came across a gang of bikers who were hassling a young lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the biggest, most tattooed hard lookin biker n smacked him straight in the face, kicked his bike over and then ripped his ear ring out and yelled: 'NOW BACK OFF OR I'LL KICK THE CRAP OUT OF THE LOT OF YOU!" Wow! St Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"... "about two minutes ago!"

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 8:10 pm
by Repairman
A skinny little Irishman from Castle Pollard is visiting Dublin for the very first time. He is waiting in the hotel corridor for the elevator; as soon as the doors open he steps into the elevator and looks up to see this HUGE black guy standing inside.

The big guy sees the Irishman staring wide eyed at him; he looks down and says: 7' feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 6 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.

The little Irishman faints and falls to the floor.The big guy kneels down and brings him round, gently shaking him.

Then the big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'In a weak voice the little guy says ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?'The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me......I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.

'The little Irishman says:'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!’

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 8:12 pm
by Repairman
I bumped into Sian Massey in the street today. I said, "Are you aware of the uproar caused after you officiated at the Liverpool v Wolves game? I mean, two Sky Sports pundits were...""Yeah yeah," she interrupted. "Tell me something I don't know."
So I explained the offside rule.

Re: How about a joke thread?

PostPosted: Mon Feb 21, 2011 8:21 pm
by Repairman
DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS



Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, andFamily values.Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did myIntelligence come from?'The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,Cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce CourtJudge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,''That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now andThen I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wifeAt all.''Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and reallyGood with the kids.'



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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he hasBeen living with for the last 40 years.The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact wordsThat were used to put the curse on you.'The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:1. The DNA all matches.2. There are no dental records.

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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'llTake to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'The agent replies, 'Just a minute.''Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.'How was he killed?' asked one detective.'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?''I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

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Moe : 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'Joe: 'Really?'Moe : 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears andAsks him how he is feeling.'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used inSurgery,' he answered.'What did he say,' asked the nurse.'Oops!'

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's Advice.'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?''Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'He's still in intensive care.

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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clapOf thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's There.'


I've got some better ones but I daren't post them. ;)